"On Life and Math", Preface
I’ve been threatening to write this for years. This, the story of my journey through academia. My story. A memoir.
But I’ve been scared.
Scared of judgment. Scared of burning bridges. Scared of vulnerability — especially in public. Scared of breaking norms.
But underneath the fear, I feel the sheer depth of acceptance from my loved ones: the only people whose opinions actually matter to me.
And buoyed by that acceptance, I feel love, and trust, and openness, and — most urgently — both a desire and a responsibility to defy those norms. Life is far too short. And what is it I plan to do with my one wild and precious life anyways. What.
I gave my last math lecture at a conference in the Netherlands last April. I finally dared to say the quiet part out loud.
In this talk, I will introduce an (∞,4)-category of which I’m both fond and proud…
Yes: I am so, so proud. This thing that I worked so hard to help make — this thing is gorgeous. And I am fond. Please, won’t you join me in reveling in its beauty.1
That’s what giving math lectures has always meant — to me, anyways: being seen; being celebrated; sharing the beauty that I’ve worked so, so hard to bring forth into the world.
But I couldn’t say it, before. It’s not proper. Too many people whose opinions mattered for my survival; too many egos to tiptoe around.
But things are different now. My time belongs to me again. The world is wide open, inviting me to dance.
But I’ve been busy. Life does not stop and start at my convenience. Sadly.
So I’ve been slow. With writing the memoir, I mean.
And it’s not done. I’ve written plenty, but there’s plenty still to write.
Hmm, would you look at that: the same patterns of scarcity and inadequacy, even in the wide-open world. But at least I’m noticing.
So, I’m releasing what I’ve got: an introduction and four chapters. It feels good — subversive — to put out unfinished work. This is residue from academia: putting innumerable hundreds of hours into a project, discovering some beautiful thing, but none of it counting until there’s a finished paper to point to. I don’t like that; I don’t want that.
So here we are: I’ll be serially releasing what I’ve got right here on Substack. Pure and unfiltered.
Feedback on drafts has been positive and supportive, but of course that’s from people who already love me — who love me better through knowing my story. Some of them have even suggested I turn this into A Real Book™, like with a publisher and all that. Get it into airport bookstores, maybe a review in The American Mathematical Monthly… Me, a published writer! That certainly strokes my ego. Evidently, the 758 pages of published papers — let alone the textbook — don’t count towards convincing me that I’m a real writer.
But no, publication would be worse in every important way. My top priority is ensuring that this reaches the people it’s meant to, as soon and as frictionlessly as possible. And it’s already hard enough to tell the truth; I don’t want to invite any forces that might try to change my words. I’m also just tired of protracted publication processes.2
Releasing it to the public will be a different experience, no doubt. That’s alright.
Everything is alright.
I’ve been supported by many people in my writing process, but two deserve special mention.
The first is Ava, who gave me the inspiration and motivation to write — and to write vulnerably.3
And the second is Miriam, my wonderful editor and redactrix extraordinaire, who continually invites me ever deeper into the fullness of what it means to be a writer — a real writer.4
I am truly excited to be sharing my memoir with the world. Thank you for joining me on this journey.
Aaron Mazel-Gee
San Francisco
Spring 2025
I also gave a farewell speech before beginning the main lecture.
I appreciate Gwern’s clear and compelling admonition against writing a book, as well.
I first came across Ava’s writing through her piece The Friendship Theory of Everything, about how the quality of one’s relationships determines the quality of one’s life. This piece coincidentally appeared just as I was moving from Los Angeles to San Francisco, one of the main reasons for which was to fill my life with inspiring relationships. You can read her Substack here.
Aaron, it is a privilege to be invited to participate in your inner world.
Academia rewards inadequacy while making it unsayable; forbids/makes invisible the very needs it creates and relies upon to reproduce itself.
You are stepping into a new incentive-structure for ways of being/doing. The social/economic stakes are aligned in service of your thriving, for huge new swaths of the spectrum of human expression.
You told the truth of you when it was hard, and that took you out of a life that was no longer the right fit for you. Now, from the ashes, you’re building a new life—this one more beautiful, more aligned with your desires. What an integrity-cleanse. This is really cool.
You have something new and interesting to say. You are a real writer, and it is so good. Keep saying the truth of you, well.
With Love,
Miriam
It’s a rare gift to find a person who embodies science and art with such effortlessness. You are SUCH a special human, the head and the heart woven together in such a precious balance. I can’t wait to set aside devoted time to read this memoir in its entirety. Congrats Aaron 💕